Stingy Does the Job

Stingy Does the Job

Chapter 1

Detective Inspector Tubbs looked up and down the corridor outside his office.  Good – there was nobody there!  He quietly shut and locked the door and went back to his desk.  He opened up his laptop computer.  What a good job it was that the Chief Constable, Sir Titus Newt, had been on that Management Consultancy course.  He had decided that what the team needed was a modern information management system.  What this was, Tubbs had no idea; the only tangible result so far had been that he had been given a laptop computer.  Everybody thought he would never work out how to use it, but he had quickly found out how useful it could be.  Checking once again that there was nobody about he clicked on, what was that thing – yes , the icon, to play one of his videos.  His “Fanny” videos he liked to call them.  He watched with eager anticipation as the glamorously dressed woman looked down at the large knob in front of her, glistening and shining in the studio lights.  He licked his lips as she put it delicately into her mouth.  A look of rapturous delight appeared on her face as she gently sucked.  She turned to the camera and said in her characteristic husky voice.

“A large knob of butter, Darlings, absolutely essential for a really good Roux sauce.  Of course Johnnie,” she turned to her husband, a tall lugubrious looking man with a small moustache and a monocle “can never quite manage; his knob just never comes up to expectations.  But that’s enough of my personal problems….”

Tubbs sat back in his chair and sighed with pleasure.  How good of the BBC to release all these old Fanny Cradock videos.  He particularly liked this one “Giving a Dinner Party.”  He looked back to the screen as the efficient Fanny started beating the sauce to a pulp.

The zeal for management reform of Sir Titus however, did not stop at computerising the team; he had also introduced the latest fad from America – The Annual Performance Review.  And Detective Chief Superintendent Stingy was suffering the uncomfortable experience of having his performance reviewed.

“Well, Stingy,” said Sir Titus “what exactly have you achieved this year”

Stingy was ready for that one

“Costs down by 22% he said.  Particularly now that I insist that all expenses are approved in advance by myself personally”

“Do you feel that is a good use of your time,” asked Sir Titus

“Certainly,” Stingy replied “think how much I saved when Sergeant Dodger was undercover with the mob”

“Didn’t he have to ring up to get approval for buying his round in the pub when they were plotting the big blag”

“He certainly did.  And what a saving that made.  I certainly would not approve buying drinks for criminals”

“Yes quite.  But on the whole it’s a pity the Big Boss took such offence.  How is Dodger by the way?”

“Should be out of hospital in a few weeks”

“Well, satisfactory as cost cutting may be,” went on Sir Titus “can we review the performance of catching criminals”

Stingy looked aghast.  Catching criminals!  That sounded dangerous, as well as expensive.  Surely he wasn’t expected to get involved with anything like that.

“I see the Team has made some good arrests this year,” went on Sir Titus “the Team seems to have arrested Big Louis, One Fingered Jack and the whole of the Moriarty gang.  All the arrests seem to have been made by Special Constable Mona Stingy.  Has anyone on the team apart from Special Constable Stingy, actually caught any criminals this year?”

Stingy fumed.  He had agreed to his wife joining the team as a special constable so that they could get a decent cup of tea and make sure the officers’ uniforms were well ironed on the cheap.  And all she did was go around wasting money catching criminals.  He thought the uniforms had been looking rather creased.

“Well” he replied “considering the negative income generation associated with these…,” but he got no further.  Sir Titus waved him to a stop.

“I’ve no time for all that now” he said “I’ve a special task for the team”

Stingy groaned.  He didn’t like the words “Special Task.”  They sounded expensive.

“I’ve had a request from Sir Alasdair MacAloony, the Laird and Perpetual Chief Constable of Auchterloony for a team to carry out an inspection of his force.  Just the job I thought for The Merchants”

Stingy relaxed – inspecting he could do.  He could take Mona along and claim expenses for her as well.  He started mentally planning how much he could charge the Auchterloony force for the dubious pleasure of being inspected.

Far away in Auchterloony Sir Alasdair was breaking the news to Sergeant Hamish Dull, head of the Auchterloony force.

“Now just what has the force achieved this year Sergeant Dull?” he enquired

“I think it’s been a braw year och aye,” replied the Sergeant, “Constable Hamish Dull (no relation) has been oot every day directing the traffic doon the High Street”

“There is perhaps slightly more to policing than directing traffic” said Sir Alasdair

“I dinna think so” interjected the Sergeant, but he was cut short

“Especially when there is only one car in the village, and it’s mine.  What I’d like to enquire is what arrests have you made this year.  Let us look at the arrest book:  Arrest 1 – Constable Hamish Dull (no relation) – tossing his caber on a Sunday.”

“An offence afore the Lord,” said the Sergeant

“But not perhaps an offence under Scottish law”

“I seem tae recall a statute of King James IV”

“That’s as may be,” went on Sir Alasdair “but let’s look at the next arrest:  Arrest 2 – Constable Hamish Dull (no relation) – drunk in charge of a caber.  Not perhaps also covered by a stature of James IV”

“I believe it is Sir”

“Humph:  Arrest 3 – Constable Hamish Dull (No relation) – parking a caber on a double yellow line.  There were no double yellow lines in the reign of James IV.  I suspect this has something to do with the caber tossing championship that Constable Dull (no relation) beat you in last year.”

“I think ye’ll find there’s anither arrest” said the Sergeant, neatly sidestepping this remark,

“Oh yes.  Arrest 4: Toby Blether – our respected Provost arrested for ‘Being English’.  How can you arrest somebody for ‘Being English’?”

“I cannae think o’ a worse crime.  James IV….,” but he got no further.

“In any case he’s not English.  He was born in Poshtoun”

This however did not seem to impress the Sergeant.  Clearly to him Poshtoun was not a real part of Scotland.

“Well, with all this incompetence,” Sir Alasdair went on “I’ve decided to call in a team of inspectors from Scotland Yard.  They’ll be here next week”

Sergeant Dull scowled

“At least they’re frae Scotland Yard,” he said at last “I was affeared ye might have asked some English people”

………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Back in London Sir Titus had a phone call to make.  With Dodger unavailable there was a vacancy in the Merchants, and he thought he had just the man.

“DC Snoot,” a posh voice answered the phone.

Snoot!  Just the man thought Sir Titus to keep an eye on the Merchants.  Eton and Cambridge.  A Triple First in the Triple Tripos and winner of the Marcel Proust Prize for the longest sentence in an essay about existentialism, Snoot was being fast tracked through the graduate entry rapid promotion system.  Fast tracking ensured that posh policemen with degrees got promoted rapidly without actually having to do any policing.

“Snoot” said Sir Titus “I need you to go to Scotland”

“An excellent lucubration,” replied Snoot “the need for a period of entspannung as Nietsche so aptly called it, has been pressing itself upon me now for upward of a sennight”

“What,” said Sir Titus

“I’m in need of a holiday,” Snoot translated

“Holiday!  What do you mean holiday!,” said Sir Titus

“For what other purpose would one essay an excursion to the more septentrional latitudes of our fair isle”

“You’re going to work” said Sir Titus “here’s what I need you to do…”

Roux/the basic white sauce

by Fanny Cradock  from Giving a Dinner Party Makes ½-1 pint

Preparation time less than 30 mins Cooking time 10 to 30 mins Ingredients 40g/1½oz flour 40g/1½oz knob of butter or other fat 290ml/½ pint milk or stock for thick sauces 450ml/¾pint for medium and 570ml/1 pint for thin Method 1. Dissolve the butter in a pan and add the flour. 2. Stir until the mixture forms a smooth paste which leaves the sides and base of pan cleanly. 3. Cook for a minimum of 2 minutes to cook out the taste of the flour. 4. Pour in approximately one-fifth of the quantity of your chosen fluid and allow to boil without stirring. 5. Stir until the mixture blends smoothly, beat vigorously and add the remaining quantity of fluid as described, beating well after each addition.

Chapter 2

Tubbs carefully closed his study door.  He had told Doris he had important work to do on his laptop, but really he was anxious to see the next of his Fanny videos.  In eager anticipation he clicked on the icon.  The picture of Fanny sprang to life.

“Hello Darlings,” she said “today I’m going to tell you about hors d’oeuvres, the perfect start to any dinner party.  And what better to start with than these delightful little sausages.  Even, Darlings, if you are working class, you can still get a little sausage.  Or so I’m told.  Personally I like nothing better than to get my teeth into a nice juicy Frankfurter.  But first of all you really must give them just a tiny prick…And talking of tiny pricks here comes Johnny.  I’m afraid that whenever I fancy a little bit of sausage I have to turn to Johnny for a little prick…

But I don’t want to bore you with our little domestic problems…”

A sudden noise outside made him stop.  Doris was coming up the stairs.  Tubbs quickly turned off the sound of Fanny berating Johnny about is inadequacies in the sausage department and brought up an impressive looking spreadsheet.

Doris poked her head round the door.

“I’ve just had your Boss on the phone,” she said “he was trying to find you.  Said something about thinking you were doing important filing in the office”

Tubbs looked guilty.

“Anyway, I told him there was no point talking to you.  You were busy playing with you computer thing”

Tubbs looked even more guilty.

“He says the Merchants were having to go to Scotland.  I told him you couldn’t go of course.  All that stodgy food – I couldn’t allow it.  But he insisted.  So I told him I said.  I said you could only go if I went with you.  He didn’t seem particularly happy, but who cares about him being happy, that’s what I say”

“Oh God!” Tubbs groaned inwardly “another trip away with Doris breathing down his neck

“Anyway,” I’ve invited the team round for dinner tonight.  I think I’ll do Shepherd’s Pie with mashed potatoes and peas, followed by treacle sponge…”

Tubbs cheered up at this but his joy was to be short lived

“…for the others and a salad with a nice apple to follow for you,” added Doris.

“Who’s coming?” asked Tubbs

“Your Boss, Mona and that nice Constable Snoot,” said Doris preening herself

Tubbs groaned again.  An evening with Snoot – how would he ever get through it.

All day long the smells of cooking wafted through the house, but Tubbs was left to prepare his own salad.  Shredded lettuce, cucumber and cottage cheese.  He chose his apple with care.

At seven o’clock the doorbell went.  Stingy was standing in the door.  Doris looked round.

“Where’s Mona?” she asked

“She’s around behind,” answered Stingy

“Well there’s no need to be personal” said Doris

“…around behind that taxi” continued Stingy “she’s having to pay the taxi driver in kind because she forgot to bring any change with her.  Was he happy with what you had to offer?,” he shouted to his wife when she eventually appeared.

“He went away more than satisfied” replied Mona 

They went into the house for pre-dinner cocktails.

“Mine’s a large one,” said Stingy

“Chance’d be a fine thing” muttered Mona under her breath, "oh it is so dreadfully warm in here," she announced more loudly, "and this special policewoman's uniform is so hot.  I think I'll just have to take it off."

"Mona's seems to have developed a terrible sensititivity to the heat," said Stingy, "everywhere she goes she finds she has to take her uniform off."

"Don't people object?" Asked Doris.

Mona put put a CD on and started dancing as she began to remove her uniform.

"Apparently not," said Stingy, "in fact they often seem to give her money when she's finished.  Perhaps they think she needs to buy a new uniform."

Snoot arrived

“So glad to make the acquaintance of your humble abode,” he said

With a final flourish Mona removed her panties and stood in the middle of the room her hands behind her head thrusting out her chest.

Stingy looked round hopefully to see if anybody would throw her some money, but was sadly disappointed.

Tubbs decided to change the subject.

“How have you been getting on down the station?” he asked Mona

“The constables are very friendly” she replied “although they are always trying to get into my personal space”

“And, in this endeavour, do they oft times succeed?” asked Snoot

“Invariably” said Doris

“May I,” said Snoot “congratulate you on the lubrisciousness of your repast.  For what reason does your helpmeet not partake of the Ovicultural Pastry as do the rest of us”

“It’s bad for him” said Doris “his cholesterol is high”

“What figure is it I pray” asked Snoot

“Five point three” said Doris “ the doctor said it should be no more than five point two”

“And you, yourself, rank below this desirable seuil” remarked Snoot

“Oh, I wouldn’t let them measure mine,” said Doris, “you can never trust these doctors”

“And have you measured your husband’s,” asked Snoot of Mona

“Four point two inches,” replied Mona, “and then only if it isn’t too cold”

“That’s a funny way to measure cholesterol” said Doris

“Oh, were we talking about Cholesterol.  My mind was on something else”

“Usually is,” said Doris

Stingy outlined the mission.

“I suggest we go to Scotland on the Flying Scotsman,” he said

“Oh, I don’t like aeroplanes” said Doris “nasty dangerous things”

“It’s a train,” said Mona

“Well how does it fly then…”

The debate continued.

*******************************************************************************************88

In Auchterloony, Sergeant Hamish Dull was buying a new caber at Dull’s Caber Emporium.

“A Sheumais, ciamar a tha thu,” he said employing the ancient tongue of the region which I shall translate into the vernacular, “Hamish, have you been at the tossing today”

“Ach, no,” replied that worthy “and have you been at your own tossing”

“I do that every day, as ye weel ken.  And I needed something to get me up.  The chief has ordered an investigation by some bod mor - big nob - from Scotland Yard”

“And how big is this nob”

“Very big, but at least of the tartan”

“What do ye mean”

“Well, he’s from Scotland Yard

“But Scotland Yard is in London”

“Then there’s the Sassenach at him.  We’ll hae to speak the common tongue”

And Hamish thought how this nob was in for a most unexpected licking

****

“And so it’s agreed,” said Stingy “I go First Class – at Auchterloony’s expense – Snoot and the Tubbs’s go second class at their own expense and Mona gets a temporary job providing her own special service to the passengers”

“How is the new Newsagent business going,” Doris asked Mona

“You mean the pitch outside the station selling the Evening Chronic.  I’ve invited all the boys from the station to a special opening tomorrow.  They are all so keen to get into my special opening that I’ve had to restrict the numbers.”

“Makes a change,” said Doris.

“Do you think there’ll be any opposition because we’re English” asked Doris

“But I am of Caledonian extraction,” said Snoot

“You mean Scotch,” said Tubbs

“Not in the sense of being so natally derived”

“In what sense then?”

“I am in possession of a filibeg and a caber,” said Snoot”

“Then you’re a fellow tosser!” exclaimed Stingy

“Indubitably” replied Snoot “and I relish the opportunity to toss with the natives of that fair land”

Fanny berates Johnnie about the state of his sausage

 

Chapter 3

Tubbs sat in the lavatory compartment of the Flying Scotsman, his laptop on his knee.  How long could he stay in there before Doris realised he was up to something?  With a trembling hand he clicked on his latest Fanny video.

“And now darlings,” the voice of Fanny crackled to life, “we come to the fish course.”  And I know some of you will be thinking ‘Why do we need a fish course.  But you know, even if you are just a factory worker, and I know some of you have saved up to rent a small television set, you do not have to settle for lower standards because you are lower class.  And fish does not have to expensive.  Today we are going to look at Johnnie’s haddocks.  You know Johnnie has had trouble with his haddocks ever since he got caught in the Dardanelles as a young man, but when he shows them to me and they are all flabby and wrinkly I just give them a good squeeze and that does the trick every time.  But that’s enough of my problems.  First catch your haddocks….”

Tubbs heard a knocking on the door.  It was Doris demanding to know when he was coming out.  Reluctantly he closed up his computer and pulled the chain.  Johnnie’s haddocks would have to wait.

The others were waiting back in the First Class compartment.  Snoot had had no intention of going second class so Doris had insisted that she and Tubbs went First Class as well.  Mona came to join them.

She had got a job as a Special Customer Services Assistant for the journey.

“And have you been able to give any customers special services,” asked Doris.

“Well I had a few up in my front compartment before we got to Watford,” replied Mona, “but most seem to have wanted to come in the rear entrance since then”

“I thought they might” said Doris.

"Don't you find it terribly warm in here?" Said Mona, "this Special Customer Services Assistant uniform is so hot."

In preparation for the journey Snoot had dressed in what he referred to as his clan tartan.  He had a bright blue Royal Stuart tartan kilt, with a large sealskin sporran and a double breasted Montrose Doublet with lace cuffs and jabot.

“Typical of what Scotsmen wear every day,” he said.

Mona had put on a CD and was starting to dance as she unbuttoned the front of her blouse.

“Are we nearly in Scotland?,” asked Doris.  They had wisely pulled down the blinds as soon as the got into the North.  Stingy peered cautiously round the edge of the blind.

“We’re just approaching the Great Viaduct into Scotland,” he said.

A few minutes later they heard the rumble of the train wheels as it crossed the viaduct, and they felt it was safe to raise the blinds.

Outside a wild vista met their eyes.  Hills of purple blooming heather stretched out into the distance, interspersed with clumps of giant thistles.  Kilted Scotsmen could be seen running through the heather gaily tossing cabers or skirling on the pipes as they went.  In the village streets bonny lasses danced foursome reels and old men sat eating bowls of porridge and smoking their pipes of Cullen Skink.

They were in Scotland.  Mona removed her panties and threw them out the window.

****

Far away in Auchterloony The Loony of Auchterloony, Sir Alasdair MacAloony was talking to Sergeant Hamish Dull.

“The inspection team is on its way” he said

“Och aye the noo,” replied Sergeant Dull

“Is there anything else we need to show that we are a force at the cutting edge of modern policing,” asked Sir Alasdair

“Weel, ma truncheon is big enough,” said Sergeant Dull, “but Constable Dull (no relation) only has a wee one”

“I wasn’t talking about the relative merits of your truncheons,” said Sir Alasdair “I was talking about modern policing.  Communications for example.  How would you pass a message rapidly to Constable Dull (no relation)”

“Aa would aye shout loud,” said Sergeant Dull

“I’m not sure if shouting loud counts as modern communications,” said Sir Alasdair “it’s fortunate that I’ve obtained for us the very latest in modern police communications”

“Aye” said Sergeant Dull and whit would that be?”

“Come and see” said Sir Alasdair leading Sergeant Dull out of the Police Station into the High Street,  “There!”

Standing in the middle of the street was a large blue box.

“Och aye the noo!” shouted Sergeant Dull, “a real police box, I’ve gye always wanted one o’ them.  Wi' a wee blue flashing light on the top as weel,” he gazed with admiration at the box, “but aa’m, no letting Constable Dull (no relation) use it.  He widna ken how to.”

He was brought up short by the sudden appearance of a tall dark haired man in a long coat accompanied by a short fair haired girl half his age with rather large accessories.

“Who are you?” asked the Alasdair

“I’m the Doctor,” replied the man

“Doctor who?”

“That’s right,” said the man

“Ah Dr Thaxwright, so pleased to welcome you to our fair town” said Sir Alasdair “and who is this - your lovely young companion with the tight sweater and the large accomplishments.

“This is my ‘friend’ Charlie,” answered The Doctor “she’s my bosom companion”

“Aa bet she is,” replied Sergeant Dull

The train was pulling into Poshtoun Wavery Station.  The team looked expectantly out of the train windows at the brightly tartan painted platforms.  They were to stay overnight in the North British Hotel before continuing on by the Highland Puffer to Auchterloony.  Descending from the train oatcake munching kilted porters grabbed their cases and hurried them into the hotel.

“Och Aye the noo” said the receptionist

“And the noo tae you,” replied Doris who had been studying Scots.

“Weel may yer lummocks reek,” replied the receptionist”

“An a braw bricht moonlicht nicht the noo” said Doris

“What’s he say,” whispered Stingey

“He says here’s our keys and high tea will be served at six o’clock”

“How high is it?” asked Tubbs, his mind already thinking of mounds of food.

“You’ll not be getting any,” said Doris “I’ve ordered porridge for you.  Porridge is good for the heart; I heard it on the Jimmy Young show.”

“Porridge with sugar, cream and whisky,” said Tubbs hopefully.

Doris just looked at him,

“I’d like to get my lips round that man’s instrument,” said Mona looking at the resident hotel bagpiper playing away in the corner, his pipes set to mute so that people could hear themselves think “I think I could give it a really good blow if I got the chance”

“I’m going to get Tubbs a Tam O’Shanter,” said Doris “he doesn’t look Scottish enough at the moment”

“Can I give that a blow as well asked Mona.

Certainly not “said Doris “if Tubbs is gong to get any blows they’ll be coming from me”

Chapter 4

Tubbs sat in the hotel room, his Tam O’Shanter on his head, a bowl of steaming porridge in front to of him.  The others were down ion the dining room feasting themselves on Scotch Broth, haggis neeps and tatties.  Doris however had decided that a week of the porridge diet would do no end of good for Tubbs.  He stuck his spoon in the porridge.  It stood vertically.  It was not very appetising.  Better to spend his time with the lovely Fanny.  His mouth felt dry as he clicked once again.  Fanny’s smile lit up the screen.

“Now darlings,” she said we come to the main course – the cheese soufflé.  And you know darlings even if you are one of those poor black people we hear so much about in the news and have to work on the buses – whatever they are – you will still be able to afford one of my cheese soufflés.  Now the important thing about a soufflé is to make sure that it rises properly.  You need to see it come up slowly and then stay up.  Johnnie usually has no trouble getting his to come up – indeed it often comes up too quickly, but getting him to keep it up is a different matter.  But you don’t want to hearabout our problems do you.”

The sound of footsteps in the corridor brought Tubbs back to the present.  Doris was coming back and he hadn’t finished his porridge.  He did not look forward to Doris hearing about Johnny’s shortcomings and he quickly closed the lid and started to eat the porridge as fast as he could.

Doris poked her head in through the door 

“We’re having a meeting in the bar” she said “you may as well come too – although you’re not to have any alcohol mind!”

The team assembled in the bar.

“Mines a stiff one” said Stingy

“Chance’d be a fine thing” interjected Mona under her breath

“The rest of you can have mineral water,” he added conscious as ever of his budget.

Mona had been found a job as barmaid to help offset the cost of the hotel.

“You’ll be serving all the men who come in?” enquired Doris

“They get good service from me,” replied Mona, “when they ask for beers I pull them off one at a time”

“They’ll enjoy that,” said Doris

"Don't you think they have the heating very high in here?" Said Mona, "this barmaid's uniform is really hot.  I think I'm going to have to take it off," she pressed a button and music started playing.

“Never mind that,” said Stingy “down to business.  Now what are we going to inspect”

“I think we are in a negative position with respect to an audit protocol,” said Snoot

“A whatty whatty?” asked Tubbs

“Don’t be stupid,” said Doris “A Po to Call.  We all need one of those.  You never know when you’ll need one of those.  Who knows what the plumbing will be like?”

“Perhaps Sergeant Tubbs would avail himself towards the accomplishment of such a document,” said Snoot.

Tubbs found himself volunteered, although he had no idea what to do.

“Now to decide on how we do this inspection.  First of all the most important thing.  Who’s going to make the tea?”

They all looked at Mona, they knew she was good for a hot service any time, after all she had just removed her panties..  

****

Back in Auchterloony Sergeant Dull was writing up his account of the day in the police logbook.  He was a slow writer.  So slow indeed that he had to start writing at half past eleven in the morning in order to be finished my teatime.  And today had been extremely annoying.  The Provost, Toby Blether, had complained about his new police box, saying that it needed planning permission.  Sergeant Dull was not going to have that! 

“The police dinna need nae permission!” he expostulated

“Well you know,” answered Blether “I’m a regular sort of guy and I have to tell you this”

“Och aye the noo!”

”It’s all the fault of Gordon”

“Gordon?”

“Yes Gordon Doom the Town Clerk.  You see he’s not a regular kind of guy.  He’s a stickler for the rules is Gordon.  Oh Yes!.  He thinks it will get him my job but it won’t”

His eyes narrowed as he stared into those of the hapless sergeant.

“Listen to me carefully and remember everything I say”

“Och aye the noo,” replied Dull hypnotically

“I’m a regular kind of guy.  Gordon Doom is a monomaniac power seeking control freak.  You will vote for me in the election and you will keep your police box.  What will you do?”

“Vote for you in the election and keep my police box” answered Dull mechanically

“Right.  You can wake up now,” said Blether

“You’re right it’s aye the fault o’ that Gordon Doom,” said Dull “aa widnae vote for him in the election”

*****************************************************************************************

The inspection team were sitting in the carriage of the Highland Puffer, except for Mona who had been found a job stoking as Special Fireman.  Tubbs produced his audit protocol.

It read:

The Auctherloony Police Force is:

Good

Not very good

Useless

Tick as appropriate

Stingy looked at it carefully for a few minutes pursing his lips.  After intense scrutiny he could see nothing that would cost too much money.

“Excellent,” he said “what do you think Snoot?”

Snoot looked quizzically

“What more can a mere mortal achieve,” he responded, straightening his lace jabot.

Mona returned; she had apparently had sufficient stoking for the day as she was looking hot and flushed.

"I'm really boiled with all that stoking she said.  I'm just going to have to take this stoker's uniform off."

She was just throwing her panties out the window as the train pulled into the little station.  The team got out.  Snoot in full highland dress, Tubbs wearing his tartan trews and a tartan Tam O’Shanter and Stingy wearing a small badge saying “I ♥Scotland” which he had found lying on the ground in Poshtoun and which he thought would enhance his Scottish credentials. 

They were met at the station by Sergeant Dull.

“Where’s the hotel” asked Stingy

“Hotel?” said Sergeant Dull quizzically “We’ve no any hotels here.  Ye’ll be staying with Jimmy and Rene Nebb at the ‘Bide a Wee’ Guest House”

“Och aye the noo that sounds delightful” said Doris

“Och aye the noo, it does sound that,” said Dull “ye’ll find it just doon the road.  Aa cannae go wi’ ye.  I’ve a pair o’ fine ballachs that need a good wash tonight,” and he set off down the street, tossing his caber as he went. 

The party trudged up to a small stone cottage.  Outside a weather-beaten sign pronounced “Bide a Wee Guest House.  Vacancies.  No Dogs.  No Children.  No noise.  No staying out late.  No eating too much”

The door was answered by a weasel like little man.

“What dye ye want,” he barked

“We understand that provisions have been made for our accommodation within,” answered Snoot

“What” said the little man

“Are you Mr Nebb?” asked Doris

“What’s that tae ye Mrs Woman,” replied the presumed Nebb

“Well we were going to stay here” said Doris “but I’m not sure now”

“Are ye sayin ma hoose is nae gude,” replied Nebb threateningly

“How much do you charge,” intervened Stingy

“Two and six a night,” replied Nebb

“Then we’ll take it,” said Stingy remembering he was on £10 a night expenses and thinking of the profit he would make.

“Well I’ll show ye tae yer room,” replied Nebb and led them to a dingy attic bedroom.  There was a single bed and a double bed.

“I’ll have this one,” said Doris pointing to the double bed “show the others to their rooms”

“Their room?,” replied Nebb “Och aye the noo. There’s jist the ane room.  Three in the big bed and twa in the wee bed”

“I’ll come with Constable Snoot in the little bed,” volunteered Mona

“I bet you will,” said Doris

“Snoot sleeps on the floor,” announced Stingy

“I should think so too,” said Doris

“… with Mona,” went on Stingy “I’m not sharing a double bed!” 

Fanny is disappointed that Johnnie can’t keep it up

 

Chapter 5

Tubbs sat in the little cupboard in Bide-a-wee cottage hiding from Doris.  He was struggling in the dark to locate his next Fanny video.  At last he succeeded and plugging in his earphones heard those cut glass tones again.

“Now darlings we are going to cook the main course the Coq au Vin.  And you know darlings, if you live on a council estate, and I’ve heard some people do, and you think your neighbours might get upset because they don’t understand French, you can call it ‘Cock O’Van’ and they’ll be quite happy.  You will need your husband to present you with a really big cock, unfortunately I’ve only got Johnny but I’m sure you don’t want to hear about his inadequacies”

Tubbs sat upright he had heard Doris approach.

Doris was summoning him to dinner, or to put it more precisely, high tea.  The others were sitting round the table already on to the deep fried mars bars.  Tubbs looked at them enviously.  On his plate was a square of cold porridge.  It wasn’t even home made.  He picked it up and started to eat lugubriously.

“Plans for the audit tomorrow,” announced Snoot.  He thought that he had better take charge, as Stingy didn’t show any sign of wanting to.

“I suggest we start with the interviews to establish local procedures.  I will interview MacAloony,” he went on, and in a sort of reverse of the normal order of things it was agreed that he would interview the Chief Constable, Tubbs would interview the sergeant and Stingy would interview Constable Dull.

“What will I do?” enquired Mona.

“Well I like milk and two sugars” replied Snoot “but I can’t speak for the others.

“I’m not just making the tea” replied Mona

“It’s not just tea” explained Snoot “I’m sure it will be very good tea!”

“Well I think you should have me in the police station, as everyone else will be busy doing important interviews,” replied Mona

“I’m sure the population of Auchterloony will have you anywhere,” replied Doris, suddenly turning her attention to Tubbs’s uneaten square of porridge.  Tubbs bit into it unceremoniously.

Next day Snoot was closeted with the Chief Constable.

“I would like, with your permission of course, to start, or rather commence, if you prefer, this discussion with, what would under other circumstances, be, considering the disparity in our positions, that is, of course, our ranks within the constabulary, not, of course our social positions, a summary, or if you prefer, précis, of the methods, not to say, procedures, adopted by this force, or constabulary, when, in the course of its daily duties, it must, by the very nature of its remit, be required to undertake, or indeed perform, those duties, which by their own inherent purpose, bring the members of the constabulary, into contact, in a manner not always entirely conducive to the establishment of positive relations, with members of the public”

“Eh?” replied MacAloony

“Or to put it another way,” continued Snoot, but the Chief Constable’s eyes had glazed over and he appeared to be in a sort of coma.  This did not dismay Snoot in the slightest as he continued to methodically work his way through his audit protocol filling in the Chief Constable’s answers for him.

Tubbs was not fairing so well with Sergeant Dull.

“Ye’ll be English are ye?” asked the Sergeant

“Well, er… Yes” replied Tubbs

“Aye…” replied the Sergeant, and continued to reply “Aye...” to whatever question Tubbs asked him.  Tubbs was not getting so many ticks in his audit protocol.

Stingy had started with Constable Dull.

“Are you aware of the expenditure of this office on paperclips?” he enquired

Constable Dull was exceedingly nervous for such a big man.

“Er… N..N..No,” he stammered

“Would you be surprised to learn that it exceeded eighteen pence last year?”

“Er… N..N..No,” stammered the constable

“Which taken over a fiscal depreciation amortisation of 40 years would lead to a total expenditure of…” Stingy’s voice tailed off his arithmetic was not quite up to it, “five hundred pounds…” he hazarded a guess

“Er… N..N..No,” stammered the constable

Meanwhile Mona was manning the front desk at the police station.  A short slim ginger headed man entered accompanied by a pneumatic young woman.

“And what can I do for you,” enquired Mona

“Is that a serious offer” asked the man, but  was brought up by a sharp kick from the pneumatic young lady ,”I’ve come to report a theft” he went on

“And who are you” asked Mona

“I’m the Doctor,” replied the man

“Doctor who?” asked Mona

“Of course” said the man

“Well Dr O’Coarse,” said Mona “it’s a good job you came, would you mind looking up my vernacular while you’re here.  It’s been giving me a lot of trouble recently”

“What sort of trouble?”

“Well, I can’t seem to control it and stuff just keeps dribbling out”

The doctor studied the position for a while and declared “I think it’s becoming macaronic.  It’s a common problem in Scotland, but I’m here to report a theft”

“A theft of what?”

“A Police Box,” said the Doctor

“There’s a police box in Auchterloony?,” asked Mona “What would anyone do with a police box nowadays”   

“Oh it’s not a real police box,” interjected the pneumatic young lady

“Shut up Charlie” said the ginger haired man, but he was too late.  Mona was intrigued

“What is it then?” she asked

“It’s a PENIS” said Charlie

“What!” said Mona suddenly more interested

“He’s talking about his PENIS.,” went on Charlie, “It’s  blue, and much bigger than you’d think from the outside”

Mona’s eyes opened wide.

“And it’s got a flashing blue lamp on the top”

Mona’s expression took on a more puzzled look

“It’s my Planetary and Extraterrestrial Navigation In Space vehicle,” explained the ginger headed man “it just looks like a police box.  I parked it at the end of the High Street and now it’s gone”

“Oh” said Mona disappointed, “we thought it was a bit funny Constable Dull was trying to get the Speaking Clock on it all yesterday.”

“But what we need the know is – where has it gone?” said the ginger haired man.

“Oh that’s easy” said Mona “the Provost, Toby Blether, had it towed away.  He said it hadn’t got planning permission…. Do you think it's very hot in here Doctor?"

Up at Blether Atholl, the ancestral home that Toby Blether had purchased the year before, the Blethers were in deep conclave.

“I’m a regular kind of guy,” said Toby “and I think the people want a regular kind of guy.  There aren’t many obstacles in our way, and I think we can deal with them”

His wife Mairi smiled her Lady Macblether special smile.  Oh yes! She knew how to get obstacles out of the way.

Chapter 6

Tubbs sat opposite the inert form of Sergeant Dull.  He was glad that the sergeant had dropped off as he was finding this work rather tiring.  He got out his laptop and switched it on.  Time for another look at his favourite Fanny.

Now Darlings, the imperious tones addressed him again, I know that there are some men who get a special thrill from Fanny watching!  There is only one thing to say about that: it may be acceptable among the lower orders but it goes against nature.  But if you are a man and you are watching, here is something to give you sticky fingers.  I often find Johnny indulging himself but then you don't want to here about his nasty little habits do you, so here is Fanny's Sticky Toffee pudding...

Tubbs was broken from his reverie by the sound of Sergeant Dull falling off his chair.  Sighing deeply he looked up to see what had happened.  Oh no!  He groaned inwardly.  The good sergeant was quite dead.  This was going to mean several minutes of work, he started to feel stressed again at the thought of it.

"And so," Snoot commenced the summing up of his audit findings, "I find the Auchterloony force compliant with all aspects of police procedure except: 1) the training of officers is inadequate in that the force is unable to provide records of any training ever having been carried out in accordancne with article 13 subsection 2 clause 47 of the police procedure manual.  Are you in agreement chief constable.  Chief constable?  Chief Constable!!"  The inert form of MacAloony stared lifelessly back at him.

Stingy looked with horror at the lifeless form of Constable Dull (no relation).  He had tossed his last caber.  Stingy was horrified indeed, his audit team had managed to wipe out the entire Auchterloony police force.

****

"Now I'm a regular kind of guy," Toby Blether was sitting behind his large oak desk addressing the cringing Stingy, "but I have to say it is a bit much when I find the audit team that we invited has managed to kill off our entire police force."

"I agree with Toby," the sepulchral voice of Gordon Doom made Stingy quiver.

"Shut up Gordon," Toby went on, "so I have spoken to your chief constable and he agrees that your team are to take over the policing of Auchterloony and investigate these crimes.  At your expense."

"I agree with Toby," but this time the sepulchral tones fell on deaf ears.  Stingy had fainted from shock.

Stingy had gathered the team together to give them the bad news.  Snoot took it in his stride.  His newly starched and ironed

Jabot gleamed, "I have no hesitation in proffering such aid, assistance, and indeed succour, to the native inhabitants of this blighted demesne which, by no fault, or indeed action..."

"Yes, yes, yes..." Said Stingy getting exasperated.  The man had no concept of what this was going to do to the budget.

"Tubbs, you will lead the investigation..."

Tubbs was horrified.  This would involve minutes and minutes of work.  The thought brought on one of his attacks.  He would have to get a sick note for work related stress.

"Can't Mona..." He began.

"Special Constable Stingy," Stingy corrected him, "will continue to man the police station.  They have excellent tea making facilities I beleiive."

"It gets awfully hot in there," said Mona.

Stingy had been racking his brains to find a doctor to examine the unfortunate deceased without actually paying out any actual money.  His search was answered by the appearance of a plump blonde man accompanied by his busty companion.

"I'm the Doctor," he said.

"Doctor who?"

"Naturally."

"Well Dr Natcherly would you like to earn yourself let us say five pounds."

"I've come about my police box."

"Five pounds and a police box."

"Done."

Stingy smiled to himself.  There was a spare police box in the shed outside the police station. 

Chapter Seven

Tubbs had taken to his bed.  The work had brought on one of his migraines.  At least that was what he had told Doris.  He secretly sneaked out his laptop and opened up the next Fanny clip.

Well Darlings, somebody has told me that you now have television in Scotland, and that some of you Scotch people might even have saved up enough to buy a television set.  Well today I'm going to talk about fruit, so you won't be interested.  You know Darlings, yesterday Johnny showed me a pair of the most delightful looking plums. They were firm, round and a rather striking shade of purple.  I told him he should see a doctor, but you don't want to here about his problems do you...

Mona had decided to conduct her own investigation.  She would interview Toby Blether and Gordon Doom together.

They sat opposite her in the police station.

"Rather hot in here isn't it?" she began, and put are rather slinky dance number on the police station gramophone.  It had taken her quite a long time to wind it up.

"Well I'm a regular sort of guy," began Toby, but he was pulled up short by the sight of Mona taking off her Special Constable's blouse.

"I agree with Toby, " said Gordon.

"Can you tell me where you were at the time of the unfortunate death of the three victims.  This uniform is so warm this time of year."

"I was helping my lovely wife to... I say..."

Toby's voice tailed off.  Mona had slipped off her Special Constable's skirt.

"I agree with Toby," the voice of Gordon Doom interjejcted.

"Helping your wife to what?  I'm afraid I just can't get the heating turned off in here."

"To prepare a... Pare...  Pair of..." Toby Blether seemed somewhat distracted by the sight of Mona removing her bra.  He watched her heaving breasts, mesmerised by the sight of her pink and perky nipples.

"I agree with Toby.."

"What were you preparing?  I'm afraid it really is so very hot."

"A...." Toby Blether got no further.  Mona had taken off her panties and thrown them away.

"I agree with Toby."

Mona looked at Gordon Doom.  The solution to the mystery suddely became clear to her.  She would have to speak to the Doctor, but first she had to test it out.  She sat up on her desk and opened her legs wide apart.  There was a loud crashing noise as Toby Blether fainted at the shock.

"I agree with Toby," said Gordon Doom. 

******

Mona had gathered the suspects together in the mortuary.  The three ex-policemen were stretched out on the mortuary slabs under white sheets.

“You’ll be wondering why I brought you here,” she asked of the attending throng.

“To elucidate the underlying genesis of the problem,” suggested Snoot.

“To give me more work,” suggested Tubbs.

“To waste money,” suggested Stingy

“Don’t you think you should put some clothes on Dear,” suggested Doris.

“Of course not,” said Mona, “it’s far too hot in here.  Anyway this attire is necessary for me to demonstrate the solution to the problem.  Isn’t it Dr Natcherly, or should I say Dr O’Coarse or Dr Thaxwright.”

The doctor turned a pale shade of purple.

“You see this person isn’t a real doctor.  He is a traveller in time and space and he has brough with him this animatron.  Yes Gordon Doom is not living flesh and blood, and I am going to prove it!  Constable Snoot – stand next to Mr Doom.”

Snoot obliged.

Mona went and stood in front of them, licked her fingers, toyed with her nipples and then opening her legs wide started to pleasure herself while pouting alternately at the two men.

While they stood there immobile, and before they could stop her she grabbed hold of their trousers in turn and smartly pulled them down.

“There,” she announced triumphantly, “the proof.”

For while Snoot stood proudly to attention Gordon Doom showed no reaction whatsoever.

“No living man,” said Mona, “could stand there unmoved with that display.  And if you’ll just excuse us for a minute or two ladies and gentleman, Constable Snoot and I have something to discuss.”

Mona and Snoot disappeared behind a screen.  A series of strange grunts could be heard emanating from within.

"Yes, yes," said Mona, "Oh yes, yes!  Aaaaaaaargh!"

She reappeared looking somewhat dishevelled.

"DC snoot has a very penetrating..."

"Mind?" Suggested Doris.

"No."

"Wit?"

"No."

"Pe..."

"That's right," said Mona.

"...rsomality."

"Oh," said Mona, "never mind."

"I agree with Toby," said Gordon Doom and his head fell off to reveal a mass of wires and cogwheels.

"What did I tell you, so called Doctor," pronounced Mona.

"Well," replied the rather fat man with the curly black hair, "I think that's another threat to planet Earth successfully overcome.  All I need to do now is find my PENIS."

"It's gie in the car park," the thick brogue of Sergeant Dull could be heard slightly muffled from under the shroud.

"But you're dead," exclaimed Stingy, "horrified at the thought that they were about to carry out a post-mortem on the ci-devant corpse.  What an incredible waste of money that would have been!

"We're no deid," Constable Dull (no relation) seemed to be equally alive.

"They're not dead," exclaimed Mona, "they were merely rendered temporarily lifeless by invincible paralysing waves given off by the animatron."

"Then we can go home!" Pronounced Stingy, slightly discombobulated by the sudden reanimation of the erstwhile and totally naked 'corpses'.

"I think you've forgotten something," MacAloony spoke for the first time, "what about the audit."

"Inspector Tubbs," said Mona.

Tubbs tried to look in the other direction, terrified at the thought of being given some work to do.

"Who me?"

"Inspector Tubbs has the report."

Tubbs pulled out his audit protocol and put a big tick next to the word 'Good'.

"Excellent," said MacAloony, "you can go now.

Chapter Eight

Tubbs sat alone in the lavatory compartment as they headed back towards the border.  His laptop was open on his knee.  His last Fanny video was on.

Well Darlings, the husky tones of the lovely Fanny spoke as if directly to him.  Now should be the time for Johnny to tell you about the wine so you working class people may as well switch off as you're too stupid to appreciate anything other than beer.  It should be time for Johnny to pop his cork, but he can never keep it in long enoiugh to satisfy me, but you don't want to hear about his inadequacies do you...

The Doctor had been kind enough to give them a lift back to Scotland yard in the PENIS.  

Strangely it was much bigger inside than you would think looking from the outside.  Snoot was staring at Mona who had found it very hot indeed.  He looked around at the inside of the vehicle.  You could say the same thing about that as well.

THE END